A Cynical Shop Assistant’s Guide to Christmas Songs

One shop I work in has no Christmas music. This is a blessed relief, but does mean there’s no respite from the frankly odd year-long playlist. The other shop I work at has only two Christmas music CDs. Here are my responses to these tunes, which I’ve had rattling around my head since the start of December.

Johnny Mathis: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
I work in retail. It’s looked like Christmas since mid-October.

John Lennon: “So this is Christmas…”
Yup, you’re bang on there.

Bing Crosby: White Christmas
I always forget it has a little whistling section in the middle. This is one of my favourite Christmas songs, though I’m damned if I can remember the global-warming-related verse I added to it when I was 11.

Shakin’ Stevens: Merry Christmas Everyone
Not to be confused with Slade’s “Merry Xmas Everybody.” Nice song, but I kinda prefer this lovely version:

Andy Williams: Most Wonderful Time of the Year
That is exactly what I think when I see tired customers, toddlers acting up and general grumpiness being taken out on the shop staff.

Cliff Richard: Mistletoe and Wine
Those two mixed together unwisely could well lead to a court case.

Band Aid: Do They Know It’s Christmas?
I bloody do.

Wizard: I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day
Oh HELL no.
Also, the snowman does not bring the snow. He is made of snow. Unless maybe he’s dismembering himself, in which case I suppose he would be dropping his component parts around the place.


Picture from Dorkly.com

Paul McCartney: “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time”
Piss off.

The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl: Fairytale of New York
YASSS. This is the best song ever, even though I’ve no idea what Shane MacGowan is on about for some of it. It captures the family-arguing-post-meal side of Christmas day. However, my shop doesn’t play this, which is probably just as well because I love belting out the harmonies.

Gene Autry: Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
I can’t help but add the Simpsons lines. All together now, “you’ll go down in history…like Atilla the Hun.”

Mariah Carey: All I Want for Christmas
Dogs three miles away cover their ears as shop assistants everywhere try and hit the final high note.

The Darkness: Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)
YASS, second best Christmas song ever! And my shop doesn’t play this either. Perhaps wisely, the company doesn’t seem to think that songs with swearing or sweet guitar solos match the kind of classy Christmas spirit we’re promoting. (Despite the fact that it’s actually a really sweet song.)

Wham: “Last Christmas I gave you my heart…”
Eurgh. I mean, thanks, I guess, but what am I gonna do with a chunk of, uh, beating human organ? I can only think of feeding it to the dog but that doesn’t seem to fit with the gesture you were going for.

(Also, this is such a bitchy song. I mean, aye, dick move dumping him on boxing day, but it’s been a year dude, get over it. And you’ve even brought your friend in to sneer ‘special’ after you’ve sung the chorus.)


There’s always human sacrifice, I suppose. (Pic from Nation Creation Wiki)

Dean Martin: Baby it’s Cold Outside
You can argue with me till you’re blue in the face, but there’s no way I can hear this song and not feel uncomfortable. It’s super creepy and rapey. No thanks. *Shudders*

E17: Stay Another Day
Just shouting “Sleigh Bells” over a generic 90s pop tune doth not a Christmas song make.

Dean Martin: Let it Snow
I’m currently slightly obsessed with Star Trek: The Next Generation, so I shall leave you with this:

Merry Christmas, y’all!


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